I think one of the ironies of life is that no matter how much you want things to stay as they are, life changes. Wounds heal, memories fade, new paths open, old ones close... Another irony is that as often as we don't want things to change, we seem to grasp at ever fleeting chance to change how we see our future. It's almost impossible for me to see all the things I've wished would change, I'm too wrapped up  in them, too close to see more than these desires that always seem to cloud my horizon.

It's odd, well, not really, how I'm focused on what I see right now. Wednesday I go to the eye doctor. My right eye is not good, and getting worse almost daily now. It's not so much fear I feel, but ...

No, it's not fear... but I don't seem to be able to put it into words.

"I hate nice girls. Just exchanging greetings with them will get them on your mind. Start texting each other, and your heart will be set a flutter. If they call you, you're done for. Enjoy staring at your logs and grinning like a fool. However, I won't get fooled again. That's what your kind calls kindness. If you're nice to me, you're also nice to others. I always end up nearly forgetting that. Reality is cruel, so I'm sure lies are a form of kindness. Thus, I say kindness itself is also a lie. I always ended up with these expectations, and I always ended up (with) these misunderstandings. And before I knew it, I stopped hoping. A highly trained loner is once bitten, twice shy. As a veteran on this battlefield of life, I've gotten used to losing. That's why I'll always... hate nice girls."

It's not often that I find something that matches what I feel...

The truth, though, isn't that I hate 'nice' girls... I don't trust them. I don't trust them because the kindness is a lie.