September 26, 2012

• no fit metaphor...

  I've noticed it before, many times in fact, but even when I do, it seems that I tend to revert back to those old, ingrained habits.

   

  It's fear, it's always fear.

   

  Even with all the evidence I have from this life of mine, fear will still paralyze me. The threat of failure, rejection, of ineptitude, or worst, just giving up. All of them things that I've battled with all these years. I've had my victories, few may they be, but it's the specter of the failures that still keeps me from casting off again, to head for that horizon that calls me. Hell, it's an apt metaphor,  one of my deepest dreams is still to build my own boat and sail the Pacific until I die. But, that's just one of those dreams that I keep setting aside. What galls me is it isn't because I'm not capable, I know my skills, I've proven them over and over.

   

  It's always the same, no matter the dream. Is it that I'm holding on to what is in the here and now? Maybe, ha, probably. But it's just as likely that I seem to always have this sense of doubt that overrides the desire, that masks it, tarnishes it, fouls it...

   

  ...and I step back.

   

  The rationalization starts. We are rational beings, we humans. It's been proven countless time in our history that not only can we rationalize any choice we mack, but we do it almost every moment of our lives. There's always that little thought in the back of our minds that warns us of all the possible disasters, and we listen, we believe, and then...

   

  Turn back,  back to the paths that have been shoved down our throats all our lives.

   

  I can count three times when I threw all cation to the wind and did follow that call. And no matter what happened, I am abetter man today because of it.

   

  And, I think that is why this is...

   

  Mmmm...

   

  once again a little bird has touched me without ever knowing that it has happened.

   

  we shall see...

   

  • 2:17 pm
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