October 10, 2012

  • Watching, listening...

    One of the habits I wish I had developed much earlier in life is that of just watching and listening to what happens around me. I know that as a kid it was probably how I learned, that ability we all have to mimic the behaviors we see around us. But I lost that habit at some point, I think we all do as we start to become aware of our own ability to make choices. It's still there, but I know for a long time I ignored it, all the time thinking I was still paying attention. But as the events of my life prove, I was far less observant than I wanted to believe. Even after I worked at a job where my life depended on my ability to recognize and assess the threats around me I know now that I missed far more than I should have. But it was also the foundation that has allowed me to see my failings and make changes. It's been proven that no one can change something we don't see. I f I ignore the effects of my actions it's impossible to even find a reason to change.

    Recently in a conversation with someone, the person kept repeating the same statement; "I don't understand how (insert name) can live like that." The person named is probably one of the angriest and bitter people I've ever known, there is no humor, no curiosity, no empathy, no kindness. Everything is seen as if it's a personal attack on their person or opinions. The list of excuses I've heard for the anger and hostility are simple... "I've always been this way."

    The issue is the same one I've had. It's the willingness to see that it has always been my own choice that has allowed me to see the need for change. What I choose to dwell on will always move me to act on. My thoughts will always change the course of what I do. "What you think, you become."

    What startles me is how often I see people actively choose ignorance rather that accept something they think might be unpleasant. It makes me question myself every time, to look at what I do and say and wonder if I'm doing the same. I'd like to think I'm past that, but I also can't rule out the possibility. It forces me to accept that yes, I do sometimes choose ignorance.

    The question for me has become simple.

    I know what I am capable of accomplishing, I know that I have looked unflinchingly at some of my past and made the changes I saw were needed for me to become more like the person I wanted to be. It's simple in a way, if I can look past the emotions and conditioning of the moment and see the truth behind it, then I can act, make a conscious choice of where I would like to go rather than fall back on all the ingrained habits that are no more than gut reactions that have always helped me avoid the reality I so desperately do not want to acknowledge.

    But, as always, it is choice, conscious or not, that will decide where my life goes next.