October 17, 2012

  • Twisted...

    Sometimes things get a bit crazy...

    For the last few years I know I've been in a slow decline. I've been withdrawing from things I used to love doing, taking fewer chances, I even stopped looking for new challenges. I can't name any one thing that seems to be a cause, not even two or three things. But I do see the results.

    Actually, it's been a trend for most of the last decade.

    Of course some of it has to be due to the massive leap of faith I took back then. From the depths of despair I jumped at a chance and while it did start off well...

    Let's just say there have been enough words written on that and leave it there.

    But in the aftermath it was a heady mix of potential and fear battling to see which would shape my future. In a real sense, both did. Age old fears did keep me from moving on, but new possibilities gave me a whole new set of paths to follow. Of course, that meant that I was swapping paths whenever an old fear raised it's ugly snout and bared it's fangs. It's easy to rationalize and justify changes in direction... you know, "I'm not quitting, just taking a different way." We, and mostly I mean "I", are masters of using reason to support the ideas, and actions, I want to justify. lol... just watch a group of kids, it won't take long to see it in work.

    What gets me is that no matter how logical and reasonable I think I am, there is always some of that self serving, even at times,condescending, thought process that denigrates anything that dares to shed a bit more light on what I'm trying to hide from myself.

    There's been a quote that has been bouncing around in the void that exists in my head... "Everything you hear is an opinion, not fact. Everything you see is a perspective, not truth." I can't even begin to count all the times I've seen the same thing with a new perspective and found that everything I thought I knew was either dead wrong, or so twisted by my former perspective for it to seem that way.

    But what I think I find most interesting is how something I never expected can shift so much of what I see, feel and desire.

     

     

     

    There is desire... after believing there was no hope.

    There are challenges... where I saw no future.

    There are words... when I thought I no longer had a voice.

     

    I don't want to just exist.

    Which means that I am the one who needs to get moving...