There are things I need to be reminded of from time to time. Mostly they tend to be things that just get overlooked, the simple things that tend to get shoved to the back of my mind in the daily, hmmm... my first thought was (battle) but life isn't really a battle, not even a struggle, most of the time, that is. It's not a grind either. So, why do I keep getting bogged down? Why do I tend to let little things keep me from enjoying or recognizing the things that matter?

I know that in the last year and a half I've been dealing with complications due to diabetes. In my own myopic way I was shoving the reality to the back of my mind, you know, it's just pain, I can deal with it. So, I dealt with it. I won't go into details, it isn't necessary, but it took some one I know asking me how to deal with their own issues for me to get off my butt and get the help I needed. So, now, things are better on that front. Yeah, better, the pain issues aren't gone, I still have bad days, but the new medications and therapies make then an exception, not the rule. Much better... much.

It took being reminded for me to deal with something I should have done before.

There have been other reminders as well, ones that have been, well, not forcing me, but pushing me all the same, to take action on some other issues. Some are easy, others, not so much, but what intrigues me is how these reminders seem to fall into place, one leading to the next.

Now, I'm stuck for words... another issue, I guess, but one that sits much closer to my heart.

I miss you... the insight you brought me, the pleasure of just talking, the hope of real friendship... so much more... all gone in a moment.

Damn...

Damn...

*sigh*

Yes, well, reminders...

Some are welcome. lol... I guess all of them are, maybe. Even those that bring their own kind of pain. Reminders of things that maybe need to be put aside, dealt with, or re-examined. Or, just maybe, things that need to be grasped again and find out once and for all if they can become reality instead of dream.

It will be interesting to see where things lead me...

There is a power in silence, one that I have come to believe that almost no one today seems to understand. I hear all the words, watch as hands gesture, note how expressions and tone of voice alter, refine and emphasize all those words. Yet, I think I see more truth in what is left unsaid, all the things that get avoided. It is a truth that the easiest way to lie is to avoid any question that would require an honest answer.

It really is amazing to me how much our existence is defined by our perceptions. What we choose to see and acknowledge, or banish and demean.

Even the words we use to define these things have more than one, simple meaning, each derived from what came before, each evolving, changing, even now.

sense, sensual, sensation...

I wonder, do you play with it?

lol...

Where did your mind go? I wonder...

hmm... interesting concept here, sensation.

even more interesting, the path that led me here.

hmm...

in a way I've gotten used to the depression that seems to haunt me this time of year, I expect it, almost long for it. As if it's a muscle I need to exercise and rebuild due to atrophy.

Strange. My mind is all wrapped up in this new concept, how I see it, what it is in my life, what do I do with it, now that I do see it.

How does it relate to me, to you, to where I want to be...

I've missed this, the questions, the search.

I miss the challenge you brought with you.

I've been far too lax...

I don't want to admit it.

I don't want to...

But there are things I crave, things that haunt me, that leave me... sigh.

best not to say, best not to think, best not to hope.

You know, I find it interesting that if any other species on this planet were to behave like we do, it would become extinct.

perversion
The act of perverting. The state of being perverted. A sexual practice or act considered abnormal or deviant.

corrupt
Marked by immorality and perversion; depraved. Venal; dishonest: a corrupt mayor. Containing errors or alterations, as a text: a corrupt translation. Tainted; putrid. To destroy or subvert the honesty...

degeneracy degeneracies
The process of degenerating. The state of being degenerate. Corrupt, vulgar, vicious behavior, especially sexual perversion. The presence in the genetic code of multiple codons for the same amino...

perverted
Deviating from what is considered right and correct: a perverted idea of justice. Of, relating to, or practicing sexual perversion. Marked by misinterpretation or distortion: a perverted translation...

polymorphous perverse
Characterized by or displaying sexual tendencies that have no specific direction, as in an infant or young child, but that may evolve into acts that are regarded as perversions in adults.

pervert
To cause to turn away from what is right, proper, or good; corrupt. To bring to a bad or worse condition; debase. To put to a wrong or improper use; misuse. To interpret incorrectly; misconstrue or distort:...

I see so much in all this, all of it, every definition, dependent of a person's, or society's point of view. I do not see even one, single absolute fact that can stand the test of being questioned. And any law or custom which cannot be called into question and survive cannot be truth.

... if, if, if, too many ifs, and none of them of any use.

It seems that almost daily I have to deal with someone who refuses to deal with the realities of their life. lol... as if I manage to face my own issues... but it also helps to keep my eyes a bit more open.  A caption on a photo that flashed past me today sums it up, I think.

"You can only imagine what happens next..."

and that is exactly the point. The future does not exist. And everything we think we know about it, is no more than our imagination, hopes, fears and wishes being projected on a screen. We think that our plans are substantial, that we can force our will upon that next day, but all too often we find that all our plans and hope are for nothing as life throws one monkey wrench after another into the works.

We can only imagine...

But that's another point. Some of us imagine the best, the promising. Others, only the worst, the devastating. I wonder though, how would we do if we used our imagination to look at more options. Or, possibly, just be willing to admit that we do have to be far more flexible that we may be comfortable with.

I can, and do, imagine many, many things. But can I make that one of my strengths, a guide.

I think everyone knows, or knows of, someone who is driven. You know, that person who never, ever stops, who never says "quit." I used to look at those people and wonder why I wasn't like them, wonder why I was always the failure.

It's taken years for me to understand who I am, and even now, as I look back, I still have a hard time accepting the facts that brought me to where I am. It's hard not to look at all the possibilities that I turned away from, or simply ignored. It's hard not to regret.

I used to believe that I could never be one of those achievers, never believe that I could find the drive to wake my sorry ass up and MAKE my future.

The truth though, is that I always have, made my future.

It's not that I never had the drive.

It's always been that I chose things that went different places. And yes, I did choose them. Even all those things that destroyed my life, over and over. There were always more than one choice, always other paths I could have taken. The facts are simple. I chose what made me comfortable at the moment. Almost all of us do, it's completely natural.

Even now it's far easier to let the things I dream slide, to sit back and let another day, week, month... year, slip by. Hell, there's always tomorrow, isn't there?

But, what if...

What if, it was the challenge, that drove me?

What if it was the dream?

Not long ago I read an article about some of the most successful people in today's world. In every case, every single one, they were the people who had never fit in, who didn't care if they were accepted by their peers, they didn't work for acceptance, they knew that to be part of the crowd they had to surrender their selves.

What drives you...

I am often struck by the inability of so many people to use the language they speak to say what they mean. I don't even want to try and list all the times I hear people use a word incorrectly, or who have no idea what the word actually means before using it. I see it everywhere, in print, on TV or in a movie, in advertisements, and of course, in every day speech.

To me, language is probably the single most important tool humanity has. Without it, there could be no society, no meaningful communication, no science, no math, no history. Misused... I think it undermines the foundations of our societies.

It used to be that a person would most likely spend their entire life never hearing a language other than that which they spoke, but those days are rapidly disappearing. Even the most isolated of peoples are now exposed to languages they do not know, and each time there is the potential for both gain, and loss. When we learn from each other I think we enlarge ourselves, enlarge the societies we belong to, and  find out that there are almost always new ways of seeing things. That opening of perspective is something I believe we should seek, something we should nurture, something we should embrace.

I read, watch and listen... and wonder at the growing ignorance I see.

In this world of almost limitless connections it almost feels like we're turning our backs on the very foundations of humanity, willingly, wantonly, discarding the ability to think at the expense of conformity.

I was reminded recently that there are many tools I need to pick back up again, to hone my skills, and find my place again.