The future is an insidious thing.

It has a way of sneaking up on us, just one moment at a time, one hour, one day... little things, they change, unnoticed, hidden. Then one day we look back and wonder how we got to 'this' place, it's not where we planned to be... it's not safe...

It's safer to live in the moment, safe, under cover. It's an animal contentment, satiation, secure.

It takes effort to choose, you have to take chances.

"A body at rest tends to remain at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force"

I never thought of Newton as a psychologist before.

When I look at how people define themselves it makes me wonder.

I used to define myself the same way. I know I did. I can still see how I did, how I'd tell people I was 'this' or 'that'. It was all lies though, even when I believed it.

There is no way to define the things that are most important. The things hidden deep within me, that drive what you see, the things that allow you to judge me, that mask the fact that there can never be just one definition, that what I am changes, and will never be this whole, complete being.

That first kiss, do you remember?

I do. That first touch, the first moment I held your chin and looked into your eyes.

I wonder what it would be like if I had a true picture of each beginning, of each of those beautiful moments when all I could see were the wonder of what was possible.

The quiver of her flesh as my fingers discovered the truth that she had hidden so well, the sigh that followed when I accepted what was missing without question.

There was that lazy afternoon, lounging in the balcony, my heart racing as my first kiss happened.

That frantic, almost harrowing feeling, as I led you into the field that warm May afternoon, when I discovered more about myself than I'd ever dared dream of.

The calm that settled in my heart as I looked up and saw your face for the first time.

The tear filled moment when I held my first born in my hands.

The sweet memory of a sparrow revealing secrets, and beauty.

Dancing in the dark, exploring, loving.

So many memories.

So many times when I took chances I wouldn't have dreamed of taking.

So many things that prove that I am far more than what you see.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. ~ Confucius

No matter what we might think, it isn't until we act, until life forces us to face what we wished to avoid, that we find out you we really are. It isn't until we "know" we can't be seen, that our true hearts are shown. It isn't until we face the hard questions that we find the true worth of our soul.

Sleep has become one of the most elusive aspects of my life.

It seems I'm almost always tired now, the fleeting moments when sleep takes me get further and further apart. When I add that to a work schedule that is as odd as mine it makes it even harder. Most days I feel lucky if I get three hours of sleep, some, I beg for even one. I spend hours moving from place to place, lying in the bed, hoping the pain will ease, to trying to write, working to force ideas through the barriers of pain and fatigue. Sometimes I manage one or the other, most days I manage neither.

Diabetic neuropathy...

The good news...

I finally do have medical coverage again, so maybe I can find a doctor who won't just shove pain killers at me.

I think one of the most forgotten aspects of life is that we are creatures of habit. Yes, we can change, we can turn our lives into new paths...

But most of the time, we don't.

I know for myself there have been countless times when I've seen and acknowledged the need to change, but I also have to face the reality that I have not made those changes, not in any meaningful way. Sure, I've made the attempt, started, planned...

But when I look at the reality I am faced with today it's obvious that not much has changed. I'm still doing the same things, planning the same dreams, wishing that something might...

might...

What has become obvious is that the things that do change me, that have altered the course of my life have never been what I would have chosen before the change happened. They have all been outside forces that have forced me to see myself, and life, differently. Oh, there have been exceptions, don't get me wrong there, but far more often than not it really has been those outside forces that has brought change.

Of course I sometimes wish I'd been able to make the needed change without the damned push.

I guess I should also point out that many, many of those outside forces got their chance because of things I did choose. But I did not choose the ultimate path that led to who I am now, not in the sense of knowing where I wanted to go.

I do not believe in any form of destiny. I've seen too much of life to buy into that kind of thinking. There are so very many random things that happen in life that I find it impossible to see how there could be any force causing them all. Especially on the scale of all of humanity.

In fact, the one truly predictable aspect of humanity is that we are creatures of habit.

So, when I see a sudden shift in habits I become suspect. I have to. I know how hard it is for sudden changes to truly happen. So I watch, listen and wait... and time always tells me the truth.

Our true nature is always there and no matter how we might try to disguise it, anyone who is willing to watch us will know it.

We may change our mask, but what it hides is still the same.

I often wonder at all the paths there are in life these days. So many choices, so many possibilities. But one thing haunts me about all those choices, not one of them is my choice, they're all something someone else has chosen and placed there "for" me. It's as if I am not allowed to make a choice of my own, that I "must" choose one of those that are offered.

So, where do my dreams fit in?

Or, is it my duty to follow the guidance I'm given and never question my future.

How can I dream, when someone else places limits on them.

Where is my freedom, when society only gives me options that I despise.

Do I have the right to question all those you "know" better than I?

Freedom is only an illusion, until we make it real ...

I've been looking at how I make choices. Not the little things, the big ones. The ones that are supposed to change my life. Of course, working with the people I do has advantages for this, I see how they handle change too. The thing that strikes me most is how often the choices made bear almost no relationship to what we really want. It seems that far more often than not, what we actually choose to do doesn't match our dreams.

Even as we dream it seems we hedge our bets, we throw away our true ideals for what we think is possible. We throw away the best of us, thinking that never attempting something is a wiser choice than chancing failure. It's so easy to rationalize things, to be "pragmatic" and make compromises that at least satisfy some of what we want. "You can't have everything..." right?

I wonder, what could I accomplish, if I dared to live what I dream.

I wonder, if I have the strength to ignore the doubts.

Nine years.

I think it's probably the most often ignored facet of human nature, time, that is, and how it changes our perspective. Things that seem devastating in the moment look far different years later. The most exciting thing in our lives fades as things keep happening and we get surprised, over and over.

How do I explain what has changed?

Can you, do you even want to, understand?

lol... I never would have guessed I'd be where I am now.

It's curious how my mind gets directed at certain topics. Most of the time, when I look, I can see some kind of pattern to how I arrive where I do, but sometimes, there seems to be no rhyme or reason behind it. For the last few days it's been one of those times, the idea is there, a firm, unyielding beacon. I do see how it matters, how it does shape me and my life, but how it came to be the focus of my thoughts right now are absent.

As I said, a curious thing.

I know I've mostly been silent for the last little while, not so much that there's been anything wrong, but that my focus has been elsewhere. Mostly because of personal issues. Some things simply do take our lives and reshape them, at least for a time. I am glad that I have found my way back.There were times when I wasn't sure I would.

One of the things I've been pondering is why I continue to write. The fiction is fairly easy to figure out, but I've become less and less inclined to share my personal thoughts as time passes. The questions still come, and the answers still send me searching further and farther abroad, but I'm less convinced that anyone cares to know what I find. I realize that part of that is my own fault, that by being more circumspect I do, in a sense, push some people away. But I also wonder if my journey is at all interesting.

I guess, that part of it all is how I see communication. Is what I write an effort to be part of a larger world? Or is it just a way to explore the workings of this mass of matter in my skull?

I have my theories.

And there is some supporting evidence.

But I'll just keep that to myself for now.

In the meantime, I'll explore some curious things.

The longer I hang around the more obvious it is that it's the simple things that truly define a person. In a way, where I work distills the basics of humanity and filters out thee unimportant, leaving the bare essentials standing as stark skeletons that will, without sufficient support, collapse. It simplifies the structure of society in a way that I don't think many people ever see. It also cuts away all the masks people use to hide behind.

More and more I'm drawn to the conclusion that the value of a person's word is the foundation of all our forms of society and where any of us fit within them. It's the basis of any form of trust. And without trust, no true relationship will ever be strong enough to stand for long.

What puzzles me is how many of our societies are based on dishonesty. To me it doesn't matter why the dishonesty is there, the fact that as adults, we still refuse to examine the inconsistencies that pop up routinely as we live our lives. No change, in ourselves, in our society or in human nature can ever happen until we acknowledge that there are discrepancies between what we believe and what actually happens.

Which swings back around to the most basic part of how I think we define ourselves.

What is the value of my own word. Not to you, or anyone else, but to me. When I do see that something I see is different than what I think it should be, do I take it as a challenge, or tuck it away where I don't have to bother with the inconvenient possibility that my beliefs might not be as true as I thought.

I know for me, that this has changed how I perceive my life and all the people I interact with.