In truth, there are no beginnings. There is always something before... and after.

We live in the middle.

What strikes me though, is how hard we try to find those beginnings, and ends. As if finding then will define us, our lives, and our path.

She was one of those beginnings, those false starts that seem so clear, yet elusive. An unintended consequence of an unrelated act.

It was a tuesday, a rainy one, no actual downpours or all that, just a steady drizzle that made the morning pale, moist and dreary. The light was flat and even, making the spring flowers seem brighter than normal. It was that detail that had caught my attention as I walked through the back gate onto campus. I didn't see her at all.

Until I ran into her.

mmm....

I haven't been writing, it shows. I need ti find the flow again...

No matter how bad it seems, now at least, I can still see what's possible. I wish I'd been able to do that before. There were so many times when all I could see was the moment, when what might be was just the background noise of an entire universe, so weak and formless that any shred of focus on "now" drowned it out.

"Live in the moment." Good advice for those who don't dare to dream.

But dreams are their own trap too.

You can't "almost" step out of the plane for that first skydive, you either do, or don't. Dreams are that "almost". Keep them dreams and all there is is self delusion. But we're good at that, aren't we?

It is so easy to simply exist. To let the events of our lives just carry us along.

It takes effort to change our lives, effort that we tend to avoid. You know, just chill, there's always tomorrow...

mmmmm...

dare to dream, they say...

but dreams, don't take effort

I can dream all day and never leave my chair

never change a single thing

never risk my heart

never...

I watch what you do.

I remember what you've done before.

I think of all we've talked about, what I've heard.

I see things in your actions, I assign meanings, values, definitions...

The thing is, I'm just as likely to be wrong, as right. You see, the problem is that all the things I use to make my judgments are biased. The only viewpoint I have is my own, I cannot see yours unless you let me, and then take the time to learn it. You can teach me, but only if I choose to learn. I can want to know, but if you choose to remain hidden, I have no choice but to let you.

What I see you do is the truth. But what remains hidden is why you chose this truth instead of another.

There are many truths. Too many that contradict each other. Or at least, it seems that way from the outside.

Definitions - gift

When we were small, when the world stopped at the end of the street, when everything was simpler, it was easy to "know" what things were, how they fit, what was right about them, or wrong.

How much of the world will be thinking of gifts tonight?

How much won't care?

Will the form be what is important, will the intent, the cost, the "value".

Many call this the season of giving, but I don't see it. Then again, I don't think "they" happen to know very much. they spend far too much time telling us what we should know. I'd rather look for myself.

The only gift that's within my power to give is the one I think most won't care about

I accept you, no matter who you may be, as you are, you need hide nothing if you so choose. That you exist is enough, that we share this world, is enough, that we breathe this air.

definitions are a tricky thing... there is no real way to confirm that we agree. Close, is not the same as exact.

wml...

Have you ever found that you have been pronouncing a word, or maybe name, you have never actually heard used in life, wrong the whole time?

I know I did, still do, most likely. I think it's more common these days actually with the global mix of languages we have. We see words that don't fit out structure of language and when we try to fit them in anyway, we can't help but mangle the job.

But guess what...

Any word, even more so, names, are what we use to define and categorize our world. And if we get those definitions wrong in our minds how likely will it affect our perception of what we are trying to define.

I wonder.

but I also see...

I do, I trust you.

Do you think that is flattering, maybe, or justified?

The problem is that you don't understand what it is that I trust. If you did, you wouldn't like my version.

Treason only hurts when it's committed by someone you trust.

But what if everything I know of you says that You will betray me, that you already have, and will again.

Yes, I trust you.

I trust you to be the person you've already proven yourself to be.

in a sense, I can see the appeal most people I know have for consistency. You know, that property of life where there's no question what tomorrow will be like, everything is planned, no surprises allowed, routine, day in, day out, no worries, fears, changes...

I watch people drop into that mode every day.

I watch them, listen to them, maybe even pity them.

Over and over they close the world out while complaining that they have no opportunities. Yet when change happens anyway, when a mistake, or old habits force them out of their chosen place of comfort, it can be amazing how quickly they recover and move on with life. Don't worry, there are still plenty who work very hard to go back into hiding, but some, they seem to wake up and find part of themselves that they had forgotten. The part that knows that change makes us stronger, that learning opens doors, that questions enrich us.

Avoiding change... harms us, i think.

I have never been so free as when I forgot my doubts and took risks I never thought I could. Free, yes, but not without pain. We pay a price for every choice, no matter what it is. And more often than not, the true cost is hidden until we cannot undo what we've done. But there also rewards which are just as obscure. I think things balance out most of the time, at least from looking at my own life, it just doesn't seem that way in the moment.

I need to explore. I will...

I just wish I had some company sometimes.

Be the change...

Society, that thing that tends to rule our lives. It isn't real, it's a construct, artificial, imposed. It's neither static or inviolable, it lives and breathes, just as we do, it grows and changes.

be the change, because if you won't, no one else will either.

not a good time, but when has that ever mattered.

"In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration."

- Ansel Adams

I think it's always been the case, but I also think it's getting worse.

When I was young, most people I knew actively sought lives of stability. They wanted to know what would happen tomorrow, the next day, and the day after. Sure, most of them rebelled against the things that they thought were too restrictive, but not for long, it didn't take long until they were spouting the same conformity that they had reviled not so long ago.

The true explorers were rare, very rare.

Every time conformity was forced on me I fought, hard and bitter sometimes. I broke the rules, sometimes just because they were "The Rules." Mostly, it was an open rebellion, the lines clearly drawn, but there was plenty of room for my hidden agendas too. The stealthy late night trips into the dark, the secret hideaways where evil deeds were done, the mutual excuses that hid our true acts.

But even among us, this select group, the rules took hold, turning friend into foe. I remember the betrayals, the slammed doors and hard feelings.

I kept exploring. I had to.

Today, I see it all the time, the pressure to make the right choices, go the right way, to follow the plans set down for you. Even as I see how often our youth are told they have more choices, they aren't used to expand possibilities, but confine them. Each options has it's own set of rules and paths, tracks that are tightly fenced off from all other choices. And our youth are forced to make these choices at younger and younger ages. To get into the right schools they have to start before they even reach puberty, before they even know, or feel, the first rush of passion and the drive it can bring with it.

All around me I see the forces of conformity, trying hard to close all the gates, to lock the windows and doors, so only a select few remain outside the prisons of society.

I find it interesting how often it's that the people who demand conformity seem to break the rules to suit them. They see themselves as beyond the rules, above them.

But, I'm still an explorer. Still working to bend or slip past the rules to find my own way. Wishing I had a friend who shared my craving to know what they try so hard to keep hidden...

to find what lies in those dark places, where my monsters go to hide...