it's easy to deceive & tease

sigh... back to 52 hour plus work weeks. Again.

I can't say I didn't know it was coming, I just wish it didn't have to happen.

this week will be seven shifts, two 16 hour and one twelve.

"You can't control an independent heart..."

A simple phrase that I stumble across sets my mind on a path to find answers. The problem is, like almost always, I find far more questions than answers. But I do see so much truth in this one, just a fragment of a thought. I see how people that have claimed they care, or love, do so not because of what they wish to give, but because of what they can control. When I look at relationships, my own and those I've seen, it seems that there is almost always some form of battle going on, that one, or both, have these "needs" that they use as excuses to try and force the other to fill. "If you love me you'll do..." Sometimes it's very blatant, an outright demand. More often it's simply hinted at... said as an aside, or a dig, after the fact, using shame and guilt as more weapons to get the responses we want.

Do you do it? Lmao... I don't want to admit it, but I can see that I do. Disconcerting...

But that's the thing...

If I don't need anything from you. You have no way to control me. You see, it works both ways.

I'm beginning to believe that true love happens when there are people who 'are' independent that choose to share what's best in themselves with others. Who don't need to have us confirm what's been done, they can give this, and never wonder if it has done what was intended. The act of giving was all that was required. Accomplished?... doesn't matter, not to me, the only need I felt was the one to share want I know could help. All I can hope beyond that is that it will be received and put to use.

And even when it isn't, I'll give the same again.

hmmm... first thoughts... more later, I think...

Just got home from a 16 hour shift... have to be back in less than 6 hours for another 8

at least it doesn't happen as often as it used to.

I've know for years that fear is one of the major forces in how we make our choices. Fear of what "might" happen, be it success or failure, can sometimes make it nearly impossible to choose. But fear is just one factor. Some of us see choice as a purely personal thing, while others see it as a joint prospect between those we care most about and our dependency on those people. With the self enforced restrictions we apply, the weight of society's "norms" and the expectations of family and friends, I sometimes wonder how any of us manage to set ourselves free. Or, are we free at all?

Science has proven beyond doubt that more choices make it harder to make "good" choices. The pressures of society do not promote individuality, they demand conformity. And those who know us best always have their own ideas of what is best for us.

Sometimes, it's only when we've been cut off from all those restraints, that we can learn who we are, and what our true desires might be.

interesting...

A long time ago I was taught that for every cause, there was an effect.

This actually works, as long as all we use as reference are physics and chemistry. Once we delve into the mind and social interactions all previous bets are off.

I didn't understand the difference until just over six years ago myself, and it was not a pleasant awakening. Once I did see, it took me a few years to realize what it meant to me, and how it could affect my life. I don't think it's one of those sudden epiphany kind of things that change everything in an instant. What I'm getting to is our ability to choose how things in our lives will affect us.

I know I've seen certain people in my life that never seemed to be out of control, they had this ability to take whatever happened and turn it their use, in some way. I'm sure you've seen these people too, there are plenty of them out there. It always seemed as if they couldn't be bothered by the simple fact that things happen, both good and bad.

My own epiphany came early on a mid March morning in 2004. At the time, all I knew was it was important, I didn't see how it would change me, or how my life would change because of it. The truth is, I don't think the changes have stopped either. At least I hope they haven't.

The thing is...

Things happen in our lives. Some of it is a direct result of the choices we make in our lives, but far more is simply out of our control. We can't "make" people do or say things that will always help us. Our lives are disrupted by things we cannot foresee. The actions of people we've never met, possibly don't even know exist, do change our lives. A job can be lost, a car wrecked, a disaster can strike, a missed connection can change all our plans... there is so much of what happens we have little or no control over.

And then of course, are the people we know who seem to go out of their way to make our lives harder, who seem to have malicious designs that they delight in dropping at our feet every chance they get.

No, we can't control those things.

What is in our control though, is what we do about them.

and that, is the epiphany. That is what saved my life. That is why I am here now. It's also why I think I will always have to be careful, because it's far easier to let myself fall back into being the victim, to allow all those things that happen control how I think and react.

It's said that man has free will. It can be argued either way. Even if we are as much a product of our upbringing and the programing of our genes as some may think, the informed mind can do the unexpected. And I for one, like being unpredictable, at times...

I find it strange how everyone can look at their future and be so afraid. We are so much alike in what we fear, the same questions, the same doubts, the same confusion. The fear of rejection locks away our dreams. The fear of being different forces us to conform. The feeling of being empty closes us off to what could fill us.

Why do we wallow in this pain, together, and alone?

Why do we feel so embarrassed when we reveal that we're human?

I want to be human, to live, breathe, feel, hurt, love, cry... I want to hold you, and find peace in what we share.

It's just pain, why should I expect anything different...

After all the times I think I've managed to slay my demons I keep finding them still buried in the most disconcerting places, places I thought I'd already cleared them out. What I think I find funny is how often some one points one out, but in doing so, I find that what they see, and what I find, are not the same. The admonition to "know one's self" is well and good, but I just cannot believe that a single look, or maybe even a dozen, will ever show me all the things I've managed to hide.

It's so damned easy to tell myself that I've already looked there. But my own history  has proven that as long as I'm willing to look there will always be new things for me to find.

Not long ago someone questioned me about how I see myself. It proved to be a much more enlightening event than I would have thought. Mostly because I agreed with everything they said, which then forced me to look at why I did seem to feel the ways that person saw me. The thing is, they weren't wrong in how they saw things, I can see how they would, and did, come to their conclusions. What was skewed was how I presented myself. And it happened, not because I meant to deceive, but because I didn't see how the roots of my emotions had tangled with the truth, obscuring both.

Of course, this leaves me with many new things to ponder on, and with some ideas I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing yet.

There is nothing easy about change, nothing absolutely clear-cut. Every risk we take has benefits and drawbacks and no matter what we think, we can never know all of them before we take the chance. Sure, if we choose to take the path everyone else has, those risks can be minimalized, but they can never be eliminated.

And one thing I have to accept about myself in that I've always been an explorer, never satisfied with the safer path, I've always stretched the boundaries... I guess I always will.

Care to join me?....

lmao... I should know better than to ask...

I've always been willing to take a chance. It seems odd in a way, for as many times as those chances have hurt me, I still do, I still look for them. But what has changed is that there are some chances I won't risk alone, not anymore. Some must be a partnership, a risk shared, dreams intertwined, hopes joined. Otherwise it is merely suicide, to jump alone with no safety, no support.

Join me, and I'll jump...but never again alone.